Million Dollar Wound
by suspect tomatoes
Summary: Stupid is as stupid does. Edge, Jericho, Christian, Cody and Ledgeacy. Special appearance. One-shot.


**A/N: SO. FUCKING. GONE.**

Jay knew what he was getting into, but he really had no other choice. Coming home for his extremely short two days off was always appreciated, but being Chris and Adam's lacky as of late was not. He hoped they would get out of this pothead stage—well, at least Adam, since Jericho's always been notorious for hitting the ganj—but it hadn't happened yet, even after Jericho's arrest.

Jay pulled into Chris's driveway and already recognized Adam and Kait's cars, but there was a rental he couldn't place. Lord only knows who it could've been—he just hoped to God it wasn't Kendrick.

They wanted him to bring pizza. Edge pizza to be exact, because Adam just couldn't get over the fact that the world was in love with him. Jay always tried to counter and say that he'd had an entire religious sect named after him, but Adam was quick to excuse that because it was founded before he was even alive.

Jay sighed and took out the four pizza boxes from his backseat. There were five of them, why'd they need so much?

The house was unusually dark, but Chris seemed to turn off the lights when he toked, so Jay could only imagine how gone they were already. There was only so much he could handle with them giggling like idiots, but it was inevitable.

He stopped when he heard some rustling in the bushes.

Jay glanced to his right and peered over the porch, frowning at the dirt. There was a footprint, very light and almost invisible, but Jay could see the treads of, what looked like, boots.

"_Psst_!"

Jay practically dropped the boxes in his hands as he whipped around. There was no one there.

"_Hey_. _Idiot_! _Down here_!"

Jay lowered his gaze to the other section of bushes, where the bloodshot eyes of Chris Jericho was the only thing he could see. Chris's head was covered by a forest green army helmet, leaves and branches attached to the sides for easy camouflage.

Jay covered his face. "What are you doing?"

"Get inside," Chris whispered. He looked behind him, then across the street, before he shimmied up onto the porch and army crawled over to Jay. "Before they see us."

"Who's they?"

Just as the words exited Jay's mouth, four Nerf darts flew past his face and tacked the door with loud _thwacks_.

"_Go, soldier_!" Chris yelled, pushing at Jay's legs. He jumped to his feet and held up his own Nerf weapon. "This is war, soldier, there's no time for dawdling!"

Jay yelped when a foam missile thumped against the house, barely missing his side.

"Hurry! Get the rations inside!" Chris dropped to his stomach again and lined up his gun on the steps, like a sniper.

Another missile came careening toward them, but it hit Jay's hip this time, and he jumped, smashing his shoulder against the door.

"_Shit_!" Chris grabbed at the walkie-talkie near his shoulder, pulling it toward him. "We got a man down, man down!"

"Roger that," came the distinct voice of Jay's girlfriend.

"Medic! We need a medic!" Chris looked at Jay. He had black paint under his eyes, like a football player. "Can you make it inside, soldier?"

"What are you _talking _about?"

"Canadian Lion, this is Crystal Ship, do you copy?" crackled Jericho's walkie-talkie.

Chris turned away quickly. "This is Canadian Lion, what's your position?"

"We've got company at the south exit. I'm gonna need backup."

Jericho looked up at Jay with his red gaze. "Can you do it, soldier? Can you _fight this war_ with us, soldier?"

Jay shrugged awkwardly.

Jericho narrowed his eyes and lifted his gun quickly, shooting a dart right at someone behind Jay's car. Whoever it was ducked and scurried away.

Chris stood up, shaking his fist. "I'll get you, I swear to God, I will!"

"Chris, I'm seriously freaked out."

"Go inside, soldier," Chris said hurriedly, pushing Jay through the dark entrance. He closed the door and tried to lift his shirt. "Are you bleeding?"

"Get the hell away from me!" Jay stepped back. "Fucking queer."

"There are no gays in the army, soldier." Jericho pointed at him. "And don't you forget it."

The two-radio started squealing. "Canadian Lion, I need your answer."

Jericho bent his head toward the intercom. "Crystal Ship, this is Canadian Lion, we've got a confirmed addition to our team. He'll be joining you at the south exit to keep the enemy at bay. Over."

"Ten four," the machine squawked.

Chris put his hands on Jay's shoulders. "Are you ready to fight this battle, soldier?"

Jay stared at him. "I guess."

"Are you emotionally prepared to not make it back, soldier?"

"Yeah."

Jericho took the pizzas from him, then grabbed his forehead and kissed it. "God speed, soldier," he whispered.

Jay pushed him back. "You're a fucking retard."

"Wait!" Jericho went over to the potted plant next to his front door and pulled out a small Nerf pistol. "Here you are, soldier."

"A _hand gun_? How's this supposed to help me?"

"Crystal Ship has got more weapons back there."

Jay shook his head. "Okay. What's my nickname?"

Chris stroked his chin. "You'll be... Pigeon."

"_Pigeon_?"

"You brought us rations. You'll be our messenger to the enemy. Like a carrier pigeon."

Jay frowned. "That's not cool at all."

"All fair's in love and war, soldier." Jericho looked out the window quickly then returned his serious gaze to Jay. "And don't you forget it."

Jay slowly backed out of the room and headed toward the patio, where he could already see Kait crouching beside the corner of the house. He slid open the glass door and smiled at her.

"Hey, babe, what's—"

"_Shhhh_!" She grabbed his shirt and pulled him to the ground. "Don't talk so loud! You'll give away our position."

Jay fell back against the house and looked away. "What are you guys doing?"

Kait glared at him. "What are we doing? _What are we doing_? We're fighting a war, son! We're fighting the goddamn enemy!"

"Right, right, okay!" Jay lifted his legs and rested his hands against them. "How long have you been out here?"

Kait's bloodshot eyes scoped the surrounding area. "About four hours, soldier. Not much action since this morning, but those goddamn Edgeians decided to attack at 1700 hours."

Jay nodded. "Uh huh."

Kait tensed up. "Hold on. Stay back, soldier."

"What's—"

"_Shhhh_!" Kaitlyn crawled toward the grass, pausing by the pool area. She scanned the surroundings quickly, then motioned for Jay to follow her.

He stood up and walked over.

"What are you _doing_?" she hissed. "Get down, they'll see—"

Another Nerf missile slammed into the side of her head, and Kaitlyn flipped over into the deep end of the pool. All Jay could hear was the sound of air decompressing as tiny darts suddenly bombarded him.

"Jesus _Christ_!" he yelled, and dove back behind the house.

Kait floated in the pool like a dead man.

Jay didn't really know what to do. Her two-way radio was set next to him, so he picked it up and pressed the button. "Uh, Chris?"

No answer.

"Chris, it's Jay."

Silence.

Jay let out an annoyed breath. "Canadian Lion, this is Pigeon, over."

The walkie-talkie crackled. "Pigeon, this is Canadian Lion, what's your ten twenty?"

"Uh, I don't know what that means, but Kait—I mean... Crystal Ship got hit. She's lying facedown in the pool right now and—"

"We've got a ten thirty-three! Ten thirty-three! Radio Triforce right now! I'll try to get these Edgeians off my back to get to the lagoon!"

"Triforce? What are you—"

"He's on channel 13, I'll be there as soon as I can!" Before he clicked off, Chris muttered, "the goddamn enemy got another one of us."

Jay frowned at the toy in his hand and tuned it to channel thirteen. He pressed the talk button. "Uh, Triforce?"

There was a pause. "Who's this?"

"This is, er... Pigeon."

"Is there a ten thirty-three?"

"Yeah. Uh... Crystal Ship has been hit."

"Not another one! What's your ten twenty?"

"I... don't know what that—"

"What's your position, son, what's your position!"

"Oh. Uh... the... south exit. Near the... the lagoon." Jay covered his face. How retarded.

"I'll be there in two shakes of a Persian kitten's whiskers!"

Jay stared at the device in his hand before he turned to watch Kait. She'd be floating for a long time. He probably should go over there and see if she's all right...

He was going to stand up, but decided against it, and army crawled over to where she was. But just as he was going to grab her, someone raced up beside him and flipped into the pool, swimming hard to get to her.

"Goddamn it, I won't let you die!" Cody yelled, grabbing Kait from behind. He swam her back to the side and hoisted her up, getting out next to her.

Jay stared at him. "Cody?"

"Who's Cody?" he asked, beginning to pound on Kaitlyn's chest with both hands clasped together. "Wake up, soldier, wake up!"

Jay noticed the Red cross band around his bicep. "Are you the medic?"

Cody started slapping Kait's face. "Wake up, goddamn it! I won't let you die!"

Kait reared up, spitting and coughing dramatically.

Cody fell back. "Oh, thank God."

Kait looked around. "What happened?"

"We almost lost you, soldier." Cody patted her shoulder, then stood up. "Radio me if it's necessary. I'm stationed in the Kokiri Forest."

"Gotcha," Kait said breathlessly.

And off Cody went, sneaking around the side of the house.

Jay looked at her. "Are we done now?"

"This war isn't over, soldier." She picked up her weapon and crawled back toward the house.

But three figures hopped out from adjacent bushes and held up their guns.

"Freeze!" the first one barked.

"Shit!" Kait held up her hands.

Jay looked around, flabbergasted.

Adam came closer, hair unruly, sporting an open army fatigue shirt and matching pants. He was wearing aviators. "We've got you surrounded."

"You there. Blondie." Mack came closer to Jay, Nerf launcher pumped up and ready to use. "Get on your knees."

Jay grimaced. "How long have you been waiting to say that to me?"

"I didn't say you could talk!" she snarled.

Adam turned to Mack, gun still pointed at them. "Where's Harley and Marv?"

"Marv is bandaging Harley up." Mack growled at Kait and Jay. "Seems like their comrade decided to take her out with a hand gun."

"_Pigeon_! _Crystal Ship_! We've got a huge ten thirty-three! The enemy has relocated, I repeat, _relo—_" Chris came barreling around the house, stopping short when he saw what lay before him. "—_cated_."

Adam half-smiled. "How convenient. We were just talking about you."

Chris held up his gun. "Let my soldiers go, you evil bastard. Take me instead."

"How about we take all of you?"

Everyone turned to see Becky limping up, gun slung over her shoulder, leg wrapped. She glared at Chris. "I want you, especially. You're the asshole who almost put me out of action!"

Jay glanced up at the guy behind her. "_Ted_?"

Ted sneered at Jay and said nothing. He had a Red cross band around his arm, too.

"Let's do it this way." Adam motioned to Becky. "Go ahead."

Becky swung her gun around and shot Chris right in the heart, the missile bouncing off his chest. Chris choked and fell back, legs spread, arms out.

Jay shook his head. "This is ridiculous."

Becky booted him. "_What'd_ you say, soldier?"

"Forget about him." Adam grabbed Kaitlyn by the scruff of the neck. "Get up. Hands on your head, face the wall."

Kaitlyn did as she was told, shaking slightly.

Adam raised his gun and smiled. "Need a cigarette?"

She shook her head weakly.

Jay didn't like this, at all. It was too creepy. And before he even knew it, he was on his feet, jumping in front of Kaitlyn right as Adam pulled the trigger.

The missile hit him in the neck, and he fell.

Kait gasped. "Pigeon! You saved my goddamn life!"

Chris rolled over and lifted his head weakly. "He's... a _hero_," he rasped, before he dropped down again.

"Someone get Triforce!" Kait yelled.

Mack came up and pointed her hand gun at Kait's temple, shooting her quickly.

Kait dropped onto Jay's chest.

"Victory!" Adam yelled. There was a moment of silence. "Good game, everyone. Let's eat some pizza."

"Yeah, I got the munchies," Mack agreed.

Everyone hustled inside, murmuring about the delicious food that awaited them, and Kaitlyn stood up, offering Jay a hand.

"I thought you weren't into it," she said, smiling. "Why'd you jump in front of the gun?"

Jay shrugged. "It was too creepy."

"Aw, you took a bullet for me." Kait hugged him. "What a stud."

"It was nothing."

"Next time we play, you have to get baked. It's half the journey."

Jay sighed. There was no use fighting it. "Roger that."

**A/N: WOW. Um. WOW. Oh, and all rights to the Legend of Zelda for those names or whatever. Don't sue me. Review.**


End file.
